At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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