I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
