I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
