I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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