My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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