you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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