if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
