my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
