I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
