The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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