Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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