A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
