I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
