Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Found the puke drawer
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
