checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just had sex on a roof
It's rum buckets o'clock
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
