for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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