im six kinds of drunk right now
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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