Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
