My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
