Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
