Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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