remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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