i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
well you can't waste a boner
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
