we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
