I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Fuck appropriateness.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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