Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
