1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
