I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
