remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
