She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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