our cab driver is having phone sex.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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