Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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