I'm jealous of your bromance
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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