as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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