why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
