She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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