I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
