My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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