I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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