I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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