you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
