I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
