it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
