I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
