So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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