Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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