Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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