Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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