Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How does it feel to date your dad?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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