Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
