I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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