I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
